runaway from reality

Thursday, May 01, 2008 ♥

♥ 11:59 PM

today was super super shitty.
i feeling super angst now.
the day started off fine. jogged in the morning, went to toaphayo in the afternoon. bought my favourite gummies (:
later when i wanted to play tennis as usual, we realised that the courts at home were booked, so we went down to OCC. BAD CHOICE. BAD BAD CHOICE. i saw u there again. and this time my emotions were mixed. i didn't know whether to feel happy or sad. i was more of confused. before i went OCC, i already had this sixth sense that u would be there. that i would definitely meet u and i was right. when i was walking to book the tennis courts, i was hoping like mad that u wouldn't jump out suddenly and see me there, coz i was super unstable. my breathing was not even and i couldn't get a hold on myself. how i managed to get to the RC was a totally different thing altogether and i actually didn't know i managed to get there. part of me wanted to run, coz maybe i didn't know how to face u. the other part of me was elated that i could finally c u again. i didn't know which part of me to believe, to trust, to rely on. i supposed i just kept on walking and walking.
this time in front of u, for the first time, u didn't see my real self. i wasn't myself. Drina wouldn't be so cheerful. i appeared to be happy just so that u wouldn't think so much, so that u would be able to say that "she's alright" coz i know that that's what u want to see. but today u were weird as well. u didn't even say anything that was not politically correct aloud and all you did was to mouth those words "y u nv call?" i didn't know how to answer. most of the time i don't call is because i don't know what to say to u and u don't really help that. coz if i call before u finish ur work,u would say call later or call back when i msg u. and if i call later, most of the time u are asleep. i really don't know what to do. do u want me back? if u don't can u teach me to forget u? I'm tired of trying. i don't want to remember anything about u. coz the more i remember, the more the pain i feel. i have been deluding myself for the past 3 months. i thought that if i kept studying, i would not remember anything and that i would be able to carry on with life. but i was wrong. i can't do that. even if i am able to forget about u when I'm studying, i can't get rid of u when I'm free, when my brain is idle, especially when I'm lying in bed, trying to sleep. u might want to know that i have dreamt of u quite a few times.
there's this dull ache in my heart that i want to remove. i don't want it to be there. i want to be rid of it. i don't know why I'm still holding on to you. i don't know. i know that we are not even meant to be together. it would be against all the societal norms. chinese being with malay? i don't mind but what about our parents? ur age, my age? there's too huge a gap to fill even if we really love each other, even if we are happy together, are the people that we love happy? i don't know what to do. i need to tell u these things, but i can't find a way to put it. i want to write it out, coz i know that i'm not good with words (spoken). but will u get my message? i want to forget about everything that u said to me, coz i still can remember all the things. I'm also talking more and more like u these days the words that i use are also a mirror of yours.
i want to scream but i can't
i want to let go but i can't
i want to get a hold of myself but i can't
what can i actually do?
I'm useless
I'm just a useless piece of shit
so what if i achieve good grades
what are good grades compared to how i find myself, how i understand others and myself how i can control myself? grades only prove that a person is intellectually smart. it doesn't show the other side of the person.
i can't think clearly now. I'm very confused. and i sound emo.
u know sometimes i just feel like going down to OCC and talk to you for the whole day, but i know that i can't and i know that i won't have to courage to do so. actually i'm timid and shy contrary to what most people view me as.
i want to escape myself. i cannot afford to carry on like this it's too tiring.
i want a break
i want to break clean away from this mess.
god help me.
i'm screwed.

the SMART ONE. ♥

♥ The Lover.

Gets older every second , but most specifically on 23 march
I Love eating anything sweet (:
But I love my family, 4loyalty and the PA section more than that !

Chatterbox ♥

TALK;SHOUT;SCREAM;

LOVEES ♥

♥ Loves

Friends
tennis
taekwondo!
music esp my guitar and piano

wants♥

♥ please

- ~~ipod!~~
- ~~pass black belt~~
- ~~get into vj~~ - ~~crumpler~~
- get 2 dan for my black belt
- spar well with technique
- ~~get through 2nd round in upcoming SPEX comp~~

Click && Fly ♥

♥ byebye ; my dear one ;(

bryan
caroline
daryl
emily
hua qing
janeal
meichi
michelle
minyi
natalie huang
regina
sarah
stacey
wenman
wenyi
xinyi
xinyi (lun)
yanyi
yuying
zoe
two faith
one faith

Hopping Backwards ♥

♥ Memories of the Past

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