just came back from tennis! i had tennis competition at Kallang today and after that, i came back and played MORE TENNIS!!! yayness!

FINALLY WON 2ND ROUND OF COMPETITION (actually it's my first round, but who cares! it's officially the 2nd round!) after so many tries, i FINALLY GOT THROUGH AND DIDN'T GET TRASHED!!!! OMG OMG I'M SUPER SUPER HAPPY!!

but tmr sure kena trashed one ): against seeded 1! CLARE FONG!!! arrrg. okay i'm going to gain at least 3 points in a game! I CAN DO IT!!! okay.. too much motivation for a day.

during the competition, i kept talking to myself, motivating myself, telling myself that YES I CAN DO IT! U WANT TO GET INTO VJ? COME ON LET'S TRASH THIS GIRL!!! YES THAT'S THE WAY!

and when i lost the first set, i went DON'T LET THIS FIRST SET DEMORALISE YOU. YOU CAN FIGHT BACK!!! SEE IT'S SUCH A CLOSE FIGTH 4-6. COME ON PLAY YOUR FIRST 3 SETTER!!! haha i supposed i must have sounded like a mad woman... that is if my opponent could hear me.

my opponent was about my standard. but she couldn't serve hard. i powered serve her and she kept netting the ball. her ball was so soft that when i whacked, it flew! so at the 2nd and 3rd set, i didn't really use power. and won her!!

happy happy happy happy happy happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol i'm awake coz u called me and asked me to call u back, but obviously, i can't coz u phone got problem and i got no other way to contact you. so i GOT TO WAIT! damn fucking pissed. already 20+ min already and still cnnt get through.

okay came back from tkd not long ago, bryan did something that i would nv dare to do, at least not for now. he ASKED wong sir to spar with him! okay wong sir did control, but didnt' really control to the extend that it was obvious. but he did a couple of illegal moves, eg punching of back. and there was this sort of slamming kick that hit bryan's face twice, until his cheek and ears were red. and after that he told us his horror story of him making someone deaf, which made me don't want to spar with him more! coz i WANT MY EARS!

okay i shall stop posting nw since i'm tired! and KHAIRUL! YOU ARE SO FUCKING DEAD. WAKE ME UP AND THEN YOUR FUCKING PHONE CNNT CALL THROUGH! SO HOW WAIT FOR YOU? MY MOOD WOULD BE DAMN FREAKING BAD LAH!



i don't know what i have just done. i have just agreed to be with u again. what was i thinking? i know that i love you, but it's just too soon. i haven't forgotten the pain that you left with me when u broke up with me. i don't want a repeat of history. i know that i still won't be able to go out with you often. will u mind that? i know that u just said that talking on the phone would be enough for you. but after a while, you would realise that it is really not enough. what u need is a person who can commit herself fully to u. not me, coz i know i can't. i just promised not to lie to you. i didn't and i never will. i truly love you. i don't know what i have just landed myself in. it just another pain pool. filled with things that would make me cry, make me want to give up. just like the previous time, i won't be able to give my hundred per cent to you. most of it would go to studying hard and striving for the best. you are different. you are completing your diploma already and it's time that you should setttle down maybe not soon, but in the near future. it's just not right for me to take away that chance of yours. i know that if i had rejected you, you would have felt the pain that i felt 5 months ago and i know that it's hell. it was the most horrible thing to go through and i don't want to put you through that. but now, i don't know what to do. i really don't want a repeat of history, with both of us getting hurt in the end.

it's not entirely your fault that we broke up. in fact it is mine. everytime you say that it's your fault that i have become hurt, i feel like i have cause you to be hurt. i don't know how to approach you. by placing your changes on me, you are practically destroying your future with another person. i don't know why u are doing this.

i haven't slept for the whole night. only from 12 to bout 1.30. coz i was waiting for your call.

i'm useless. i can't do anything for you. not even comfort you when you are down. like today when u told me that ur best friend had passed away, i didn't know what to say.



i shall blog starting from thursday.
thursday: Mrs Sng didn't come to school! one less teacher to be angry about.
during CCA IDIOT pms. we told her long ago that we would have a PA test this week and yet she INSISTED that the sec 2s must go and check the equipment. i told her that they will go and check after their test. how would i know that they would hav e interview at that time as well? sucks. anyway, i volunteered that the sec 4s go and check the equipment in place of the sec 2s, but she said NO. coz "they are on duty next week and they should check it themselves" anyway i didn't want to argue with her anymore coz i was still pissed at her after last thurs when she was so irresponsible. so i went to do the interview thingy. i think our group was super scary, coz i we fired questions at them until some of them didn't know how to answer. one example : why do u think u are shortlisted as exco? ans: coz people voted for me? like duh it's based on votes lah. but u are supposed to say y ppl voted for u. when i went back, people were complaining to me about IDIOT. i didn't feel that the sec 4s were being unresonable. it is really true that the equipment in drama have problem and that we won't be able to support so many mics. we have tried before with only 1 cordless mic and the system cnnt even support it. there was so much squeaking and squealing that we had no choice but the use a wired mic. what's worse is that nxt thurs they want 4 hanging mic, clip ons, wireless. do u think that the system cn support? it is not as if we haven't told her the problems before. and what's the point of testing the equipment when the problems will only surface 30mins into the programme? obviously nothing will happen when u test it, coz u won't leave the stuff there for so long u know what's the difference between testing and setting up for event? that IDIOT is so useless.

i'm stepping down in a week's time. i really love doing PA duty, but i don't want to face that IDIOT when i do duty. i think that when i step down, the thing that i will miss most is the duties. duties really bond the section together, coz u will have to work with each other, even if it's somebody that u don't like. i'm really scared for the sec 3 batch, coz they are so soft-hearted. they will jus accept anything that the teacher says even if the teacher is wrong. it is only after that that they will rant about it. i'm sry to say this lah but can u guys have a mind of ur own. do not be afraid to speak up. that's the quality that i fail to see in all of u. u are not afraid to speak up in front of ur friends but in front of teachers, you people are like goody-two shoes. i really don't know what to say to u people. u guys don't know how many times i argued with our teachers for our section. that's y i have a strained relationship with practically all the teachers. i hope that u all can see that in PA, its not just about being nice to people, most of the time, i'm just thrown with jobs that no teacher wants to help me with. i've got to come up with everything myself and if i don't do a good job, i get criticised by the teachers. as if it's my fault. they don't even want to help me. they just love to pick on my mistakes there was never once that they praised me for the efforts. eg evoke. wenyi and me had to do everything ourselves and there was not a single time when the teachers voluteered to help us. even after the event, they didn't even say anything nice to us about it. not that i was expecting it. but i have done so many things cn u even like praise the section a little. sometiimes i feel that other teachers appreciate us more. like after duties, when we have done well, they will say thank u. do u even hear that from our teachers?

i really don't know how u guys feel about it lah. just hope that u will be able to face the immense pressure that one of u will eventually face as PA head. it's really not worth the effort to be nice all the time.

another horrible day

started of with horrible teacher, followed by a horrid lit test. i knew what to write for the essay, but i didn't have enough time! it's super screwed. i can't believe i wrote maudie on my question paper and didn't write it in my ans script.

later during recess i suddenly noticed that yihsin was super quiet. didn't know y, but didn't ask further coz i know that when she is quiet, she was sad/unhappy/dissapointed (any one of those) but today was weird. she didn't say anything much. jus said western, walked to western stall and queue. later when we walked to find a place to sit, i saw a teardrop rolling her eye. i thought maybe it's nothing much, just that she yawn or something. so i pretended that i didn't see anything and continued walking. when we sat down, her tears just rolled out. didn't know y. she pretended to be all right, but we all know that it's not the case. i didn't want to probe further. heys we (genin, ivy, me) will always be there for u (: so don't worry kay? dont' be sad. cry out if u need to don't bottle it all up. i know how it feels like coz i do that too.

these few days i have been emoing. dont' know y.

i'm really worried for my mom too. hope she gets well. i really don't want anything to happen to her. please let her be alright and sleep soundly for once.

jus came back from cca. slacked

not going for tkd today coz no one is going! everyone is busy and i shall be busy studying (:
tmr there's lit test. the nxt week there will be 2 lit tests of which one can be prepared and MUST be prepared.
my ppr for this term seems quite good! improvement from last term. if i never calculate wrongly, i will get 9! my best every L1R5!!!

amath test on differentiation of trigo and ln and lg graph was well done! 34 out of 35, which means i can do a little worse for my intergation test coming soon and maintain a a1

haven't talked to u for 2 days already! i feel like calling u tonight but i everytime i call, u are busy doing project. and it's like after (at most) half an hour, u will put down the phone. and when i do that, u scold me, but when u do that, i'm supposed to understand. don't u realise that sometimes u take me for granted? haiz don't wanna talk about it. i really love u

weekend was fun didn't really study.
on sat went for out with Dongran to study. after that went for tennis lesson coz coach said make-up was on sat coz sun is coach aslam's wedding, so no trng. played step ladder nearly got to champion court right after that, i lost all the way): after that we had a good laugh that how we hit the balls. Daren (big) is super flex. he can be in all kinds of positions! esp his serve. chelsea is super unstable. and daren (small) is jus weird (: after that went home by the time i reached home it was like 4+, 5, so jus watched a bit a tv den went my grandma's hse.

sun woke up super late nearly 10!
went to J8 to eat bruch and stayed there till nearly 2.
came back home and changed. studied a bit and went out for coach aslam's wedding
MY FIRST MALAY WEDDING!!!
it much more informal as compared to chinese wedding.
u cn like go and leave anytime you like.
but it's fun
tessa, cherise, darren, keith, charlotte went
we signed out names on the guest book!
ate ALOT
after that was TKD!
there was this new china person who didn't understand a single word of english
so i had to teach in chinese! which sucks
i didn't know how to say low block in chinese so i said xian zai wo yao jiao ni...er... er.... di dang? den i burst out laughing coz i sounded so weird. not my fault my chinese sucks
managed to teach finish pattern in one lesson!
mao yuan almost cried. xinyi was super fierce. make him learn during break

okay today was super boring
CME learnt how to practice natural birth control! sick
what measuring temperature and seeing wad mucus? didn't really listen
didn't really make much sense to me, coz if u want to have a child, have sex everyday, confirm have children one. don't want to, pick and choose the days (: the probability of being pregnant is actually quite low (:
sry for the grossness (:

did super well for this year's nafa! i can finally jump standing broad jump!
i got 171cm for standing broad jump,
10.4 sec for shuttle run,
44cm for sit and reach
incline: 18
situps: 31
i did only to get A (:
oh ya 2.4km: 12.09 (:(:(: my best timing!
it shall be my first time getting GOLD for nafa! HAPPY!!!
didn't expect to do so well for nafa and i hope that it is the same for my Os. this timing for shuttle run is the best ever and i didn't know how i managed to do it (:
and thanks to xixian running beside me, i didn't slow down (: and we came in first TOGETHER ((:


tkd on tues was fun and i feel acomplished (:
first time i pumped someone coz he didn't listen.
he was like u cannot catch me but i caught him
pumped him 50 knuckle, he refused to do until i doubled it.
he tried to cheat me by doing lesser
but coz strict me was there and i counted for him, so he couldn't cheat (:
but after that, he was super guai
didn't dare to do anything funny
listened to me !!!
sry xinyi

i shouldn't write about unhappy stuff, coz today's a happy day dont' want IDIOT AND USELESS to spoil my mood

tennis trng today was sort of fun.
did some rubbish drill and played step ladder after that.
finally trained with tessa again.
paired with tessa for doubles
after trng, drank mocha and chocolate chip dunno wad from starbucks
thanks keith (: for that treat

yay tmr's coach aslam's weddding!! yayness first malay wedding!

today was super super shitty.
i feeling super angst now.
the day started off fine. jogged in the morning, went to toaphayo in the afternoon. bought my favourite gummies (:
later when i wanted to play tennis as usual, we realised that the courts at home were booked, so we went down to OCC. BAD CHOICE. BAD BAD CHOICE. i saw u there again. and this time my emotions were mixed. i didn't know whether to feel happy or sad. i was more of confused. before i went OCC, i already had this sixth sense that u would be there. that i would definitely meet u and i was right. when i was walking to book the tennis courts, i was hoping like mad that u wouldn't jump out suddenly and see me there, coz i was super unstable. my breathing was not even and i couldn't get a hold on myself. how i managed to get to the RC was a totally different thing altogether and i actually didn't know i managed to get there. part of me wanted to run, coz maybe i didn't know how to face u. the other part of me was elated that i could finally c u again. i didn't know which part of me to believe, to trust, to rely on. i supposed i just kept on walking and walking.
this time in front of u, for the first time, u didn't see my real self. i wasn't myself. Drina wouldn't be so cheerful. i appeared to be happy just so that u wouldn't think so much, so that u would be able to say that "she's alright" coz i know that that's what u want to see. but today u were weird as well. u didn't even say anything that was not politically correct aloud and all you did was to mouth those words "y u nv call?" i didn't know how to answer. most of the time i don't call is because i don't know what to say to u and u don't really help that. coz if i call before u finish ur work,u would say call later or call back when i msg u. and if i call later, most of the time u are asleep. i really don't know what to do. do u want me back? if u don't can u teach me to forget u? I'm tired of trying. i don't want to remember anything about u. coz the more i remember, the more the pain i feel. i have been deluding myself for the past 3 months. i thought that if i kept studying, i would not remember anything and that i would be able to carry on with life. but i was wrong. i can't do that. even if i am able to forget about u when I'm studying, i can't get rid of u when I'm free, when my brain is idle, especially when I'm lying in bed, trying to sleep. u might want to know that i have dreamt of u quite a few times.
there's this dull ache in my heart that i want to remove. i don't want it to be there. i want to be rid of it. i don't know why I'm still holding on to you. i don't know. i know that we are not even meant to be together. it would be against all the societal norms. chinese being with malay? i don't mind but what about our parents? ur age, my age? there's too huge a gap to fill even if we really love each other, even if we are happy together, are the people that we love happy? i don't know what to do. i need to tell u these things, but i can't find a way to put it. i want to write it out, coz i know that i'm not good with words (spoken). but will u get my message? i want to forget about everything that u said to me, coz i still can remember all the things. I'm also talking more and more like u these days the words that i use are also a mirror of yours.
i want to scream but i can't
i want to let go but i can't
i want to get a hold of myself but i can't
what can i actually do?
I'm useless
I'm just a useless piece of shit
so what if i achieve good grades
what are good grades compared to how i find myself, how i understand others and myself how i can control myself? grades only prove that a person is intellectually smart. it doesn't show the other side of the person.
i can't think clearly now. I'm very confused. and i sound emo.
u know sometimes i just feel like going down to OCC and talk to you for the whole day, but i know that i can't and i know that i won't have to courage to do so. actually i'm timid and shy contrary to what most people view me as.
i want to escape myself. i cannot afford to carry on like this it's too tiring.
i want a break
i want to break clean away from this mess.
god help me.
i'm screwed.